"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on."
-Henry Ellis
I have had to let go of a lot over the past few months, and will have to let go of even more in the months to come.
However, it has been the awful process of letting go that has truly defined for me what is most important to keep hold of....my faith, my family, my friends.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Most Beautiful Thing We Can Experience is the Mysterious...
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whom emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause and stand wrapped in awe, is as good as dead; his eyes are closed." - Albert Einstein
For me, the mysterious came in late August of last year. It was a hot summer night, just a few days before the start of school, when my cat was lying beside me on my bed. I noticed his whiskers oddly twitching and as they did, they ever so gently brushed against my right breast...just enough to tickle. At first and slightly annoyed, I almost pushed my cat aside, but instead, I touched the spot my cat's whiskers were so in tune with...and in doing so, I found a lump.
Since then, my cat has not left my side, following me just about everywhere I go in the house, and eager to settle in next to me as close as he possibly can.
My family jokes that whomever he snuggles up to next is, well....let's just suffice it to say that everyone's glad he is remaining steadfast by me for the time being.
This story really began 11 years ago when I rescued two wild kittens from a trap and took them in to be my dutiful barn cats - a mousing job they perfected for over 10 years. When we moved in 2010, they settled in nicely to retirement as indoor house cats and frequent couch potatoes.
As you may or may not know about me, I am a huge proponent of animal rescue (www.libbysfoundation.org). I guess you could say that these two cats returned the favor - for they, in turn, have certainly rescued me.
For me, the mysterious came in late August of last year. It was a hot summer night, just a few days before the start of school, when my cat was lying beside me on my bed. I noticed his whiskers oddly twitching and as they did, they ever so gently brushed against my right breast...just enough to tickle. At first and slightly annoyed, I almost pushed my cat aside, but instead, I touched the spot my cat's whiskers were so in tune with...and in doing so, I found a lump.
Since then, my cat has not left my side, following me just about everywhere I go in the house, and eager to settle in next to me as close as he possibly can.
My family jokes that whomever he snuggles up to next is, well....let's just suffice it to say that everyone's glad he is remaining steadfast by me for the time being.
This story really began 11 years ago when I rescued two wild kittens from a trap and took them in to be my dutiful barn cats - a mousing job they perfected for over 10 years. When we moved in 2010, they settled in nicely to retirement as indoor house cats and frequent couch potatoes.
As you may or may not know about me, I am a huge proponent of animal rescue (www.libbysfoundation.org). I guess you could say that these two cats returned the favor - for they, in turn, have certainly rescued me.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
All Nodes Lead to Chemo...
"I understood from the beginning that as a Christian, I was not promised that I would never have problems, but I was promised that He would never leave me or forsake me." Hebrews 13:5
Two weeks after my mastectomy, I had my post operative appointments with both surgeons involved, one after the other. Things are moving along as they should, and for me, what a difference a week makes...slowly but surely feeling better bit by bit, which is good news.
Now for the great news:
The final pathology report from my surgery indicates a successful excision of all cancer in the right breast, and NO new cancer in the left one. Yippee!!
Now for the not so great news:
The final pathology report also indicates Lymphatic Vascular Invasion (see detailed description below) surrounding my lymph nodes which means the invasive cancer cells have gotten into my blood vessels. Not Yippee!!
Now for the not so new news:
I will have a minor surgery on February 13th at which time a port will be placed under the skin of my chest wall, thereby allowing the chemotherapy to be administered more easily each week.
LYMPHATIC VASCULAR INVASION:
Question: What Does Lymphatic Vascular Invasion Mean?
Answer: Before a cancer can spread to the rest of the body, it has to get into the channels that go through the rest of the body; that's lymph channels or blood channels, particularly the venous system. If the cell gets into the veins, it can go to the heart, and the heart can pump those cells to the rest of the body; and it might grow in those places.
One of the indicators that we have that cells have a tendency to go into the vascular system and to spread to the rest of the body is called 'vascular invasion.' And when we see, under the microscope, cells that are actually getting into blood vessels, this gives us some indication that these cells may have a tendency to spread; and we should use drugs that kill cells wherever we find them that goes through the blood stream, such as hormone therapies and chemotherapies.
(Source - Larry Norton, M.D., Deputy Physician-in-Chief, Breast Cancer Programs, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center)
Two weeks after my mastectomy, I had my post operative appointments with both surgeons involved, one after the other. Things are moving along as they should, and for me, what a difference a week makes...slowly but surely feeling better bit by bit, which is good news.
Now for the great news:
The final pathology report from my surgery indicates a successful excision of all cancer in the right breast, and NO new cancer in the left one. Yippee!!
Now for the not so great news:
The final pathology report also indicates Lymphatic Vascular Invasion (see detailed description below) surrounding my lymph nodes which means the invasive cancer cells have gotten into my blood vessels. Not Yippee!!
Now for the not so new news:
I will have a minor surgery on February 13th at which time a port will be placed under the skin of my chest wall, thereby allowing the chemotherapy to be administered more easily each week.
LYMPHATIC VASCULAR INVASION:
Question: What Does Lymphatic Vascular Invasion Mean?
Answer: Before a cancer can spread to the rest of the body, it has to get into the channels that go through the rest of the body; that's lymph channels or blood channels, particularly the venous system. If the cell gets into the veins, it can go to the heart, and the heart can pump those cells to the rest of the body; and it might grow in those places.
One of the indicators that we have that cells have a tendency to go into the vascular system and to spread to the rest of the body is called 'vascular invasion.' And when we see, under the microscope, cells that are actually getting into blood vessels, this gives us some indication that these cells may have a tendency to spread; and we should use drugs that kill cells wherever we find them that goes through the blood stream, such as hormone therapies and chemotherapies.
(Source - Larry Norton, M.D., Deputy Physician-in-Chief, Breast Cancer Programs, Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Silver Lining #7
You!
I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the outpouring of love and support from everyone. From flowers to cards to meals to prayers and more.
I wish I could hug each one of you and thank you personally. Please know that I am greatly touched by your kindness.
XO
Lisa
I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the outpouring of love and support from everyone. From flowers to cards to meals to prayers and more.
I wish I could hug each one of you and thank you personally. Please know that I am greatly touched by your kindness.
XO
Lisa
Thursday, January 19, 2012
"She Must Be Something Special."
"She is. Celebrate her." - Kobi Yamada
She is my mother, my sisters, my aunt. She is ALL the women in my life.
Below is a picture of my mother and sisters showering me with love and affection as an infant...the same outpouring of both is still happening today and likely in equal measure, only now I am able to truly realize love's 'immeasurable' depths.
Cancer is forever life-altering, and this first week after my surgery has so far rendered me practically helpless, more so than any other time in my life I can remember, with more pain than I could have ever anticipated. With an estimated 5 more weeks to heal before chemo, I'm trying to find the humor in this situation, even if it's only once or twice a day and for only a few seconds of rib aching laughter, shared with my mother, sisters and aunt in the most awkward, helpless, intimate, unenviable (yet strangely enviable in some ways - more on that later) moment. A moment only to be quickly forgotten with 1000 mg Vicodin taken every 4 hours to blame.
In turn, I anticipate the chemotherapy to be chock full of more of the same - love and laughter alike.
She must be something special. She is. Celebrate her.
She is my mother, my sisters, my aunt. She is ALL the women in my life.
Below is a picture of my mother and sisters showering me with love and affection as an infant...the same outpouring of both is still happening today and likely in equal measure, only now I am able to truly realize love's 'immeasurable' depths.
Cancer is forever life-altering, and this first week after my surgery has so far rendered me practically helpless, more so than any other time in my life I can remember, with more pain than I could have ever anticipated. With an estimated 5 more weeks to heal before chemo, I'm trying to find the humor in this situation, even if it's only once or twice a day and for only a few seconds of rib aching laughter, shared with my mother, sisters and aunt in the most awkward, helpless, intimate, unenviable (yet strangely enviable in some ways - more on that later) moment. A moment only to be quickly forgotten with 1000 mg Vicodin taken every 4 hours to blame.
In turn, I anticipate the chemotherapy to be chock full of more of the same - love and laughter alike.
She must be something special. She is. Celebrate her.
Monday, January 16, 2012
You are all stars to me...
"When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thanks to everyone for reaching out in numerous ways.
I will not be blogging for awhile due to lots of pain and, fortunately, lots of pain meds.
Please keep up the prayers.
Love,
Lisa
Thanks to everyone for reaching out in numerous ways.
I will not be blogging for awhile due to lots of pain and, fortunately, lots of pain meds.
Please keep up the prayers.
Love,
Lisa
Friday, January 13, 2012
Silver Lining #6
- Anesthesiologist - $20,000
- General Surgeon - $19,000
- Reconstructive Surgeon -$25,000
- 6 1/2 Hrs in the Operating Room - $40,000
- Mom, Dad, Sue, Larry, and, of course, Steve as my hospital support system - PRICELESS
Many, many friends and relatives called or came to see me today, and many more to follow tomorrow. So grateful for my sisters...Jerri for helping with the kids while I'm the hospital, and Julie for helping me when I get out of the hospital...hopefully Sunday!
I AM BLESSED!
- General Surgeon - $19,000
- Reconstructive Surgeon -$25,000
- 6 1/2 Hrs in the Operating Room - $40,000
- Mom, Dad, Sue, Larry, and, of course, Steve as my hospital support system - PRICELESS
Many, many friends and relatives called or came to see me today, and many more to follow tomorrow. So grateful for my sisters...Jerri for helping with the kids while I'm the hospital, and Julie for helping me when I get out of the hospital...hopefully Sunday!
I AM BLESSED!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Believe that together we are better...
"What I do, you cannot do. What you do, I cannot do. The needs are great, and none of us, including me, ever do great things alone. But we can all do small things, with great love, and together we can do something wonderful." - Mother Teresa
My dear family and faithful friends...on this the eve of my mastectomy, I think back over the last couple months and especially this past week. I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the outpouring of love, support, comfort, prayers, cards, gifts, visits, movie watching, chats over tea, tears and laughs over lunches, dinners, doctor appointment accompaniment, horse help, dog help, kid help, laundry folding, bed making, phone calls, voicemails, texts, posts, emails, endless encouragement, etc, etc, etc.
Words will never be enough to thank you for helping me through this difficult time!
Together, with great love, you have all done something wonderful for me.
May God bless you as he has blessed me with friends and family like you.
Lisa
My dear family and faithful friends...on this the eve of my mastectomy, I think back over the last couple months and especially this past week. I am overwhelmed and deeply touched by the outpouring of love, support, comfort, prayers, cards, gifts, visits, movie watching, chats over tea, tears and laughs over lunches, dinners, doctor appointment accompaniment, horse help, dog help, kid help, laundry folding, bed making, phone calls, voicemails, texts, posts, emails, endless encouragement, etc, etc, etc.
Words will never be enough to thank you for helping me through this difficult time!
Together, with great love, you have all done something wonderful for me.
May God bless you as he has blessed me with friends and family like you.
Lisa
Breasts - What Are They Good For?
As a baby and throughout my childhood, breasts (mainly my mother's, my aunt's, and my grandmother's) frequently enveloped me in nurturing hugs.
As a teenager, my breasts appeared over time and changed me from a girl into a self-confident young woman. It was a wondrous and memorable metamorphosis.
As a young adult, my breasts (and brains!!) were assets that helped me to attract the fabulous husband I have today.
As a brand new mother, my breasts frustrated me by not working properly. They became painfully infected when at first I tried, then failed, at breast feeding.
As a more experienced mother, my breasts provided comfort and nourishment to my next two children, a time in my life I will always cherish.
All of the above, and then some - THAT is what breasts are good for. Yes, my breasts have served me well.
That is, until recently, when my breasts decided to try and kill me.
Though it is one of the most difficult and stressful decisions I have ever had to make, it's Bon Voyage to my breasts.
The truth is, I realized it was ME, not my breasts, that defined who I was and provided any and all self-confidence, comfort, and love.
It was me all along.
Lisa
As a teenager, my breasts appeared over time and changed me from a girl into a self-confident young woman. It was a wondrous and memorable metamorphosis.
As a young adult, my breasts (and brains!!) were assets that helped me to attract the fabulous husband I have today.
As a brand new mother, my breasts frustrated me by not working properly. They became painfully infected when at first I tried, then failed, at breast feeding.
As a more experienced mother, my breasts provided comfort and nourishment to my next two children, a time in my life I will always cherish.
All of the above, and then some - THAT is what breasts are good for. Yes, my breasts have served me well.
That is, until recently, when my breasts decided to try and kill me.
Though it is one of the most difficult and stressful decisions I have ever had to make, it's Bon Voyage to my breasts.
The truth is, I realized it was ME, not my breasts, that defined who I was and provided any and all self-confidence, comfort, and love.
It was me all along.
Lisa
Monday, January 9, 2012
Faith Makes Things Possible...
Faith makes things possible...not easy.
As my surgery fast approaches, I find myself being more and more challenged regarding my faith. As if cancer and chemo weren't enough, I threw my back out last week and it is absolutely prohibiting me from doing just about everything I need to get done prior to thursday. At first, my response to God was "Seriously God? What's next?". Then I waited anxiously for the thunder clap and lightening bolt!
To quote a line from the movie War Horse, "I used to think God gave everyone their fair share of bad luck, now I believe I have gotten more than my fair share."
But then, I took a deeper look into why bad things happen, and not just to me, but to everyone, and I really do believe it is to challenge us to be better people, to search for the silver lining, no matter how hard or how long it takes to find it.
For me, there have been several silver linings, and I know I will continue to find them along this journey. The biggest one so far is, without doubt, the love and support I have received from my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my doctors. Thank you for being there when I have needed you most.
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45
Please keep the prayers coming...it means so much to me.
Lisa
As my surgery fast approaches, I find myself being more and more challenged regarding my faith. As if cancer and chemo weren't enough, I threw my back out last week and it is absolutely prohibiting me from doing just about everything I need to get done prior to thursday. At first, my response to God was "Seriously God? What's next?". Then I waited anxiously for the thunder clap and lightening bolt!
To quote a line from the movie War Horse, "I used to think God gave everyone their fair share of bad luck, now I believe I have gotten more than my fair share."
But then, I took a deeper look into why bad things happen, and not just to me, but to everyone, and I really do believe it is to challenge us to be better people, to search for the silver lining, no matter how hard or how long it takes to find it.
For me, there have been several silver linings, and I know I will continue to find them along this journey. The biggest one so far is, without doubt, the love and support I have received from my husband, my children, my family, my friends, my doctors. Thank you for being there when I have needed you most.
"That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." Matthew 5:45
Please keep the prayers coming...it means so much to me.
Lisa
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Thank Heaven for little boys (and big ones too!)
Thank God my husband is still just a 9 year old at heart! Here's a video of Steve and Josef tubing in Tahoe!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgINgf1mtQ8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YgINgf1mtQ8
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