Here I Sit...

...waiting nervously in my oncologist's office for the results of my recent bloodwork to check tumor markers (tumor markers are substances that can be found in the body when cancer is present). I have not been in this office for a few months now and the sights and smells are powerful reminders of an all too recent time in my life that I wish to, but cannot yet, put far behind me. The frequent bloodwork will be a routine occurrence for me because breast cancer can recur at any time, but most recurrences happen in the first three to five years after initial treatment. Breast cancer can come back as a local recurrence (in the treated breast or near the mastectomy scar) or somewhere else in the body. The most common sites of recurrence outside the breast include the lymph nodes, the bones, liver, lungs, or brain....

Speaking of brain, for me and most cancer patients I imagine, cancer has a way of growing, figuratively that is, in the brain every day. I wonder often if every ache, pain, or even tiny twitch is a cancer cell emerging and gaining a foothold again. I worry, if it does come back, will it be in a part of my body that I can spare? For I'm quickly losing nonessential body parts I'm able or willing to do without!

Since completing chemo, breast cancer has recurred for a fourth time in a dear friend of mine, and has all too recently been discovered in another dear friend of mine as well. I'm so sorry for my sisters in this war against cancer, because I'm sadly familiar with the journey they will be encountering as they respectively resume and begin battles of their own with this equal opportunity disease.

Once accompanied by a family member to each and every cancer appointment imaginable, I now sit alone (with my iPhone), as life does and MUST go on for everyone around me. I realize I did not tell anyone about my appointment because I didn't want to think about it until it was happening. With my stomach doing flip flops and with regret now for my lunch choice prior to this appointment, my oncologist finally enters the room.

30 MINUTES LATER

My nervousness is replaced by relief as my doctor has informed me that my tumor markers are in the normal range, and since I have no other symptoms at this time, things are looking good for now. I take a deep breath, thank God and my doctor for the good news...then I somberly schedule my next appointment and bloodwork for three months from now.

Because cancer, its treatments, and the followups compartmentalize your life so much, I live with small, focused and short term goals - having lunch with a cherished friend, cooking and sharing a meal at the end of the day with my family, planning a college visit or three over Easter break, baking a cake and eating a slice in bed while watching TV with my kids, imagining what I will wear and how much I will cry at my son's high school graduation, and looking forward to warmer and longer spring days ahead.

With love,

Lisa

Better, Stronger, Faster

It was one year ago yesterday that I had my double mastectomy - a dreadful experience I am so grateful is behind me. After my last reconstructive surgery in early December, I'm am finally on my way to becoming better, stronger, faster - wait, isn't that the slogan for the Six Million Dollar Man? Well, even so, it applies to me too! I'm walking my dogs everyday rain or shine, loving being with my family and good friends, writing, cooking, gardening, and enjoying every glorious minute of each day...even those occasional days when I've picked up one too many pairs of dirty socks and underwear, had a car break down, burned spaghetti, and cleaned up cat barf from my newly cleaned carpets...yes indeed, it feels great to be alive!

Here's a couple of pictures from a Sunday drive Steve and I took with Josef a few days ago...as you can see, I have about two inches of hair!

xo

Lisa