...waiting nervously in my oncologist's office for the results of my recent bloodwork to check tumor markers (tumor markers are substances that can be found in the body when cancer is present). I have not been in this office for a few months now and the sights and smells are powerful reminders of an all too recent time in my life that I wish to, but cannot yet, put far behind me. The frequent bloodwork will be a routine occurrence for me because breast cancer can recur at any time, but most recurrences happen in the first three to five years after initial treatment. Breast cancer can come back as a local recurrence (in the treated breast or near the mastectomy scar) or somewhere else in the body. The most common sites of recurrence outside the breast include the lymph nodes, the bones, liver, lungs, or brain....
Speaking of brain, for me and most cancer patients I imagine, cancer has a way of growing, figuratively that is, in the brain every day. I wonder often if every ache, pain, or even tiny twitch is a cancer cell emerging and gaining a foothold again. I worry, if it does come back, will it be in a part of my body that I can spare? For I'm quickly losing nonessential body parts I'm able or willing to do without!
Since completing chemo, breast cancer has recurred for a fourth time in a dear friend of mine, and has all too recently been discovered in another dear friend of mine as well. I'm so sorry for my sisters in this war against cancer, because I'm sadly familiar with the journey they will be encountering as they respectively resume and begin battles of their own with this equal opportunity disease.
Once accompanied by a family member to each and every cancer appointment imaginable, I now sit alone (with my iPhone), as life does and MUST go on for everyone around me. I realize I did not tell anyone about my appointment because I didn't want to think about it until it was happening. With my stomach doing flip flops and with regret now for my lunch choice prior to this appointment, my oncologist finally enters the room.
30 MINUTES LATER
My nervousness is replaced by relief as my doctor has informed me that my tumor markers are in the normal range, and since I have no other symptoms at this time, things are looking good for now. I take a deep breath, thank God and my doctor for the good news...then I somberly schedule my next appointment and bloodwork for three months from now.
Because cancer, its treatments, and the followups compartmentalize your life so much, I live with small, focused and short term goals - having lunch with a cherished friend, cooking and sharing a meal at the end of the day with my family, planning a college visit or three over Easter break, baking a cake and eating a slice in bed while watching TV with my kids, imagining what I will wear and how much I will cry at my son's high school graduation, and looking forward to warmer and longer spring days ahead.
With love,
Lisa
3 comments:
For that first year - the appointments for my daughter were every three months - then once a year. The feeling doesn't go away on the day of that appointment. The fears, the memories seem to creep in a couple days beforehand. She is anxious every time. We are at 4 years and counting. However, the days in between become more and more normal - a new normal in that we are still a little more appreciative of each other and living FULLY. So excited to see this posting today as you have been on my mind. GREAT NEWS!!!
That's my Girl. Your Journey is inspirational to all those who read it. Your honesty about your fears needs to be a part of this story. Your strength and determination and love of life and family will see you through this and help other people along the way. You'll always be my strong little girl. From Mom with Love and Admiration....
Awesome news! In three months, when the fear wants to creep up and take over, remember this good news you received and the joy that came with it.
Give me the date next time and I'll be there to celebrate with you.
love you...xoxoj
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